Netflix’s recent documentary, My Wife, My Abuser, offers a harrowing portrayal of coercive and controlling behaviour within an intimate relationship. It reveals how abuse is not limited to physical violence, but can manifest as psychological manipulation, intimidation, and control – often with devastating consequences for victims and their families.
The documentary tells the story of a man, Richard, whose life was dominated by years of coercive control and emotional abuse from his partner. At one point, his distorted perspective on the situation becomes painfully clear. Speaking to the police, he describes being physically struck and remarks, “That’s not abuse, she just hit me.”
His words encapsulate how prolonged abuse can warp a victim’s understanding of their reality, often leading them to minimise the gravity of what has occurred.
It is the insidious nature of coercive control that can make it difficult to identify and address, including in relationships which may outwardly appear to be ‘normal’.
What is Controlling and Coercive Behaviour?
Controlling behaviour can include monitoring someone’s movements, restricting their access to money, or limiting their interactions with friends and family. Coercive behaviour, on the other hand, typically involves intimidation, humiliation, and threats. Often, these behaviours work in tandem, leaving the victim feeling trapped and powerless.
The Serious Crime Act 2015 has been a step forward in recognising these non-physical forms of abuse. Pursuant to Section 76 of the Act, controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship is a criminal offence.
The Role of Family Law
The Family Court plays a critical role in protecting victims of coercive control, particularly during disputes involving children, divorce and financial proceedings, and applications for injunctions known as non-molestation and occupation orders. Courts are increasingly recognising coercive behaviour as a form of domestic abuse, with wide-ranging implications for decisions around child arrangements and parental responsibility. Such behaviour has also been held to be sufficient to unravel a pre-nuptial agreement.
For instance, where allegations of controlling or coercive behaviour are proved, the Family Court can make non-molestation orders or occupation orders to safeguard the victim. A non-molestation order prevents the perpetrator from harassing or intimidating the victim, while an occupation order can exclude the abuser from the family home, with a view to providing a safe environment for the victim and their children.
When considering arrangements for children, the Court prioritises their welfare under the Children Act 1989. This includes recognising the emotional harm a child may suffer or may have suffered where coercive behaviour is a factor. My Wife, My Abuser powerfully highlighted this point through a small yet poignant moment when the couple’s child winked at their father to check (silently) that he was okay. Such instances underscore how deeply children are affected, even when they are not the direct subject of the abuse.
Witnessing coercive behaviour, or being aware of it, can have lasting emotional repercussions. Importantly, many victims fear that disclosing the abuse will worsen the situation, especially in respect of the arrangements for their children. However, addressing abuse is crucial to ensuring any family law issues are determined robustly, and with the relevant protections in place.
Long-Term Impact on Victims and Children
My Wife, My Abuser also brings to light long-term impact of coercive and controlling behaviour. Victims often endure years of psychological and emotional abuse that can erode their confidence, independence, and mental health. The resulting trauma can persist long after the abuse has ended.
Abusive behaviour that is witnessed and experienced by children can cause lasting emotional harm that can be carried far into adulthood.
One of the most distressing aspects of My Wife, My Abuser is how the abuse went unnoticed for so long. Friends, family members, and professionals often missed the signs, as coercive behaviour is far easier to hide than physical violence. The documentary also challenges the common misconception that domestic abuse (including coercive and controlling behaviour) only happens to women. While women are statistically more likely to be victims of domestic abuse, the law regarding domestic abuse is the same regardless of a person’s gender or other characteristics.
Breaking the Silence and Seeking Help
My Wife, My Abuser highlights the stark reality that many victims remain silent. This silence is often rooted in concerns about how the abuse will impact their children, financial security, or relationships with friends, family, and at work. However, as the documentary powerfully demonstrates, addressing domestic abuse and seeking support is vital.
Support is available for anyone experiencing controlling or coercive behaviour. In addition to the legal system, charities like Women’s Aid and ManKind offer invaluable emotional and practical assistance. Organisations such as the National Centre for Domestic Violence can help victims secure protective orders quickly and effectively.
How We Can Help
At Slater Heelis, we understand how devastating controlling and coercive behaviour can be. Our experienced family law team is here to provide trusted advice and legal support to help victims and their families regain safety, independence, and peace of mind.
We take a collaborative and compassionate approach, working closely with clients to secure the right legal protections. Whether through non-molestation orders, occupation orders, or advice on child arrangements, we are committed to helping our clients navigate this challenging situation and focus on building a safer future.
You can get in touch with our team by calling 0330 111 3131 or filling out our contact form.