Kaleel Anwar (Partner) and Claire Higham (Associate Partner) in our Family Law team have written the below guide to help you understand the legal issues involved in divorcing a narcissist.
Narcissism refers to a personality disorder which indicates a high level of self-obsession. The term originates from Greek mythology, in which Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection.
Divorcing someone with narcissistic traits can present difficult challenges throughout a separation. Narcissistic individuals will often struggle to have any insight into the breakdown of the marriage and may attempt to control or manipulate the separation (including any court proceedings relating to it). They will frequently exhibit an inability to compromise or engage constructively in negotiations, viewing any settlement discussions as a personal attack against them. If not properly understood and managed, this can significantly prolong any resolution and increase legal costs
Narcissistic individuals often have a distorted view of events that differs substantially from reality. For this reason, it is important to gather supporting evidence, including records, correspondence, and any relevant documentation that supports your position.
Financial aspects of divorce
In terms of financial matters, narcissistic traits can manifest in problematic ways. These include attempts to hide assets, provide incomplete financial disclosure, and the false belief of the narcissistic spouse that only they are entitled to control the marital finances.
Such individuals will typically have an inflated sense of their contributions to the marriage whilst minimising your own, which can lead to unrealistic expectations about the terms of a financial settlement. Further, they may also use the financial proceedings as a means of continuing to exert control or cause distress, potentially making court applications that lack merit or refusing to engage with reasonable settlement proposals.
If your spouse fails to provide complete financial information, it may be necessary to instruct forensic accountants or other experts to assist with tracing and locating assets. Similarly, if they do not follow the directions and orders made by the court, enforcement proceedings may become necessary.
Impact on children
Separating from a narcissist in relation to your children can be particularly challenging, as their behaviour often complicates the process of establishing stable and healthy arrangements for the children. Narcissistic individuals may struggle to prioritise the needs of the children over their own desires, and they may use the children as a means of exerting control or causing emotional distress.
The court’s primary consideration in child arrangements cases is the welfare of the child. Where domestic abuse has been established, the court must ensure that any order made will not expose the child to an unmanageable risk of harm and will be in the best interests of the child.
If narcissistic behaviour has manifested as domestic abuse, this will be a significant factor in any child arrangements proceedings, and the court will need to consider the likely behaviour during contact of a parent against whom findings are made and its effect on the child, as well as the capacity of the parents to appreciate the effect of past domestic abuse and the potential for future domestic abuse.
The court should only make an order to spend time with the other parent if it is satisfied that the physical and emotional safety of the child and the parent with whom the child is living can be secured before, during and after contact, and that the parent with whom the child is living will not be subjected to further domestic abuse by the other.
One common issue is in respect of refusal and alienation, where a narcissistic parent may attempt to manipulate the children themselves. This can involve making negative or false statements about you to the children, undermining your authority, or creating a sense of loyalty conflict. Such behaviour can have a significant emotional impact on the children and may require careful handling to protect their wellbeing.
In these kinds of situations, it is important to gather evidence of any behaviour by your spouse that may affect the children’s welfare, including any instances of manipulation, emotional abuse, or failure to prioritise the children’s needs. Protective measures may also need to be considered, such as any time spent being on a supervised basis, and/or restrictions on communication to ensure the children’s safety and emotional well-being.
Co-parenting with a narcissistic individual can be very difficult, as they may refuse to cooperate, disregard arrangements that have been agreed upon (or ordered by the court), or use communication as an opportunity to instigate conflict. They may also attempt to micromanage or interfere with your parenting decisions, creating ongoing tension and stress. In some cases, the use of parenting apps, where minimal direct interaction occurs between parents, may be a more effective approach to reduce conflict and protect the children from exposure to disputes.
Children of narcissistic parents may also require additional emotional support to help them process the separation in an age-appropriate way, and to help develop resilience. This could include counselling or therapy, particularly if they have been exposed to conflict or manipulation. It will also be important to provide them with a stable and supportive environment to help them feel secure during this challenging time.
Moving forward
Given the complexities involved in divorcing and separating from a narcissist, particularly where children are concerned, it is vital to seek legal advice at the earliest opportunity.
Kaleel Anwar is a Partner in the Family Department, specialising in complex cases involving multi-million-pound businesses, pre/post-nuptial agreements with international elements, and Islamic sharia family law.
Claire Higham is an Associate Partner in the Family team. She handles a wide-ranging caseload, including complex and sensitive children disputes as well as high-value financial matters.
If you’d like to speak with Kaleel, Claire or one of our other experienced lawyers, please don’t hesitate to contact us by calling 0330 111 3131 or completing our online contact form.